Shoot out in Brazil – with live ammo. On the spot report.

Shoot out in Brazil. This time with guns and bombs. Our on-the-spot reporter nomadicniko reports live from where the action took place.

**DRAMATIC PICTURES TO FOLLOW, WE JUST WANTED TO GET THIS TO YOU STRAIGHTAWAY**

What’s your excuse for missing the start of the game?

I was so looking forward to Holland -vs- Mexico. It was a relatively easy journey for me to get to the Dutch Consulate: a walk, a minibus ride, a cross continental ferry, a funicular railway, another walk and Bob’s your uncle, no problem.

I left plenty of time and starting the last leg of my journey was bang on schedule. Except I stupidly forgot that one thing you should always allow for when there’s a big game. I am talking of course of the mass LGBT rally.

Man in Wedding Dress Places Cap on Dutch Entry

I couldn’t get to the game on time because I was weaving in the opposite direction to thousands of colourful lesbians, gays, bi-sexuals and transgenders, all led by a guy in a wedding dress.

Eventually after sashaying through the smorgasbord of sexuality I made it to the gate of the consulate – only to met by a more formidable opponent. A straight A student of the ‘your name’s not on the list, you’re not coming in’ school of obstinacy. A frantic call to my already interned friend confirmed I most certainly was on the list, but neanderthal man was having none of it.

Eventually a diplomatic incident was avoided, and 30 minutes after kick-off I made it inside. Why did I want to watch Holland anyway you may ask?

Dutch Fan Big Boobies

What other nation could out-fabulous a gay pride march?

A rocking team that combines scintillating football and five star ballet.

A consulate that takes pride in its nation and its people (that’s how I interpreted the free beer).

Plus fans who know how to paaaartaay.

Everything is oranjed to do it all over again on Saturday. Can’t wait! No, literally can’t – I’m starting my journey NOW. After all, don’t want to be late!

Fame on a minibus. Credit left in the Bank of Warhol.

A pretty awesome achievement.  I managed to get a seat on a minibus: well played that man! Especially as it was after football and I needed a rest after running about for an hour, 50 minutes of which were with a badly bruised foot. Kick the ball, not the opposition. Must remember. I put on my headphones and listened in to Jason’s Zero to Travel Podcast. Now, I’d recommend this superb podcast anyway – that’s why I was listening to it after all – but what happened next means I have to absolutely insist that you give his podcast a spin. You’ll thank me for it. It’s excellent.

Can you see MY seat?

The episode in question is an interview with Dave Sperling, founder of Dave’s ESL cafe, the  #1 resource in the world for ESL jobs. We are about 1 min 48 seconds into the podcast (not that I’ve timed it or anything) and the superstar guest hasn’t even had a chance to talk yet when our esteemed host starts talking about……….me! There I am, on a minibus, with a highly prized seat, being thanked and quoted on air! I did the only reasonable thing, as I am sure we all would, and raced to the front of the minibus, gesticulating wildly for the driver to plug my iPod into his sound system. People need to know about this. They wanted it. I could feel the collective vibe. The driver politely suggested I return to my seat (artistic paraphrasing licence invoked here) – a request so pleasantly proffered I felt obliged to comply; only to find it was impossible to do so……because someone had taken my seat. Now it’s just possible, improbable but I’ll grant possible, that the collective vibe was generated by the merest suggestion of a seat freeing up rather than the podcast content, but I assure you that was due to the naivety in my fellow passengers being as yet unaware of the wonder of each and every broadcast. So, as a public service, I ‘m here to help you, wherever you are in the world, avoid the humiliation of not having listened to this show. Check it out now and be happy 🙂