Post Office Hell

Misery

I’ve never been a fan of going into banks or post offices. Entering them is like stepping into another dimension – one in which time operates at a tenth of the speed of life outside of their peculiar chronospheres.

Istanbul has turned that dislike into dread. Not only is the incredibly slow person already at the counter, as with every counter in every country (how do they do that?) but there is no discernible system for queueing and my social norms simply do not apply. These edifices of doom are perfect stress inducing machines.

Today, incredibly, there was only

Shoot out in Brazil – with live ammo. On the spot report.

Shoot out in Brazil. This time with guns and bombs. Our on-the-spot reporter nomadicniko reports live from where the action took place.

**DRAMATIC PICTURES TO FOLLOW, WE JUST WANTED TO GET THIS TO YOU STRAIGHTAWAY**

What’s your excuse for missing the start of the game?

I was so looking forward to Holland -vs- Mexico. It was a relatively easy journey for me to get to the Dutch Consulate: a walk, a minibus ride, a cross continental ferry, a funicular railway, another walk and Bob’s your uncle, no problem.

I left plenty of time and starting the last leg of my journey was bang on schedule. Except I stupidly forgot that one thing you should always allow for when there’s a big game. I am talking of course of the mass LGBT rally.

Man in Wedding Dress Places Cap on Dutch Entry

I couldn’t get to the game on time because I was weaving in the opposite direction to thousands of colourful lesbians, gays, bi-sexuals and transgenders, all led by a guy in a wedding dress.

Eventually after sashaying through the smorgasbord of sexuality I made it to the gate of the consulate – only to met by a more formidable opponent. A straight A student of the ‘your name’s not on the list, you’re not coming in’ school of obstinacy. A frantic call to my already interned friend confirmed I most certainly was on the list, but neanderthal man was having none of it.

Eventually a diplomatic incident was avoided, and 30 minutes after kick-off I made it inside. Why did I want to watch Holland anyway you may ask?

Dutch Fan Big Boobies

What other nation could out-fabulous a gay pride march?

A rocking team that combines scintillating football and five star ballet.

A consulate that takes pride in its nation and its people (that’s how I interpreted the free beer).

Plus fans who know how to paaaartaay.

Everything is oranjed to do it all over again on Saturday. Can’t wait! No, literally can’t – I’m starting my journey NOW. After all, don’t want to be late!